Sometimes I wish I could lose my mind. like..completely. then I'd have justification for all my negligence, lost thoughts, indecisiveness, etc.
My bed is made but my mind is cluttered. My closet is organized but my fridge is empty. My sociallizing is prolific but my "me" time is non-existant. Coffee is good...but it gives me jitters. Sleep is refreshing but I find it boring. I crave structure but don't you think it's stifling?
Well rounded, dyanic, multi-faceted, confusing, undecided, non-commital...oh which one is it?
Can I just run away for a little bit? Throw responsibilty and self-understanding to the wind.... return with no questions asked...
don't be confused by me, I'm already confused enough.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Nashvillefest!
T-53 days and counting!
Until the friends arrive, the laughter ensues, and we will all be together again! I'm quite excited that ya'll will be making the trip up to TN this year. Last year at this time I didn't have the same sentiments as I do towards Nashville now. That's understandable, it takes time to adjust to a place, make friends and mentally move on from the previous chapter in life. Looking forward to sharing this place with all of ya'll!!
Until the friends arrive, the laughter ensues, and we will all be together again! I'm quite excited that ya'll will be making the trip up to TN this year. Last year at this time I didn't have the same sentiments as I do towards Nashville now. That's understandable, it takes time to adjust to a place, make friends and mentally move on from the previous chapter in life. Looking forward to sharing this place with all of ya'll!!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Trusting God and Sliced Bread
So I've been wrestling with a question this week--potentially a very shallow question that completely displays my insecurities--that I'd love to get ya'll's feedback on. While I could probably talk about it in a much more straight-forward way, I am going to try not to completely give myself away and talk about it in code. So here goes.
How the heck is a girl supposed to compete with the next best thing since sliced bread? Especially when the next best thing since sliced bread seems to be freaking awesome in every possible way! I mean, it obviously wont do to try to replicate the next best thing since sliced bread, because clearly there is only ONE next best thing since sliced bread, and if you are not it, then you are just not it right? Perhaps you are sliced bread. And if so, you were quite obviously made to be the piece of bread that you are, so I would think it to be a great waste of time (and of bread) to try to be something you're not. And yet, though sliced bread is good, hence the saying, it still doesn't seem--at least from your angle-- like it's AS good as that next "best thing."
I'm thinking that one of the answers to this question is that you just dont. You don't compete. You don't compare. And you be the best damn piece of bread you can be. And you thank the One who created and molded and baked you for doing all of that the way He did.
Another of my questions would be how do you deal when someone who you think you want to pick you picks the next best thing since sliced bread instead? Is it that not only were YOU not the bread for them, but THEY weren't the one you want buying your bread anyway? Or do we just tell ourselves that to feel better? What is the truth in the midst of that? Is the next best thing since sliced bread really as good and awesome as it looks? It seems so, but does it really matter and is it even worth spending the time to try to answer that question? It may just be me, but sometimes it's hard to not keep glancing over at the next best thing and be jealous, but instead be thankful and trusting.
Or is this whole "next best thing since sliced bread" thing just an illusion? Aren't we all pieces of bread in the same loaf--some of us maybe resembling the end pieces and some the pieces more towards the middle? Ok, enough of the bread analogy, I know...
I suppose in reality, my time shouldn't be spent focusing all that much on the bread anyway--or even the next best thing since sliced bread, but rather the Maker of it all. Because not only did He Make my bread, but He bought it. And He bought it in such a way, and at such a price, that whether I'm the end piece or the middle piece, or whether I measure up to the next best thing or not, I am His and my purpose and priviledge and preoccupation is to give Him glory, not seek it, or whatever else for that matter, for myself. Mind you, He delights to let me be a unique piece of bread, but ultimately it is about Him and not me. And wow, HE bought ME...can I not be completely satisfied with that in the present even if no one else ever comes along to take me off the shelf? In light of who HE is, I suppose it really just shouldn't even matter.
Ok...does ANY of that make sense? I promise my intention was not to take the bread analogy quite so far, but I actually think it helped me process what I was really after in a round about sort of way. Thoughts?
How the heck is a girl supposed to compete with the next best thing since sliced bread? Especially when the next best thing since sliced bread seems to be freaking awesome in every possible way! I mean, it obviously wont do to try to replicate the next best thing since sliced bread, because clearly there is only ONE next best thing since sliced bread, and if you are not it, then you are just not it right? Perhaps you are sliced bread. And if so, you were quite obviously made to be the piece of bread that you are, so I would think it to be a great waste of time (and of bread) to try to be something you're not. And yet, though sliced bread is good, hence the saying, it still doesn't seem--at least from your angle-- like it's AS good as that next "best thing."
I'm thinking that one of the answers to this question is that you just dont. You don't compete. You don't compare. And you be the best damn piece of bread you can be. And you thank the One who created and molded and baked you for doing all of that the way He did.
Another of my questions would be how do you deal when someone who you think you want to pick you picks the next best thing since sliced bread instead? Is it that not only were YOU not the bread for them, but THEY weren't the one you want buying your bread anyway? Or do we just tell ourselves that to feel better? What is the truth in the midst of that? Is the next best thing since sliced bread really as good and awesome as it looks? It seems so, but does it really matter and is it even worth spending the time to try to answer that question? It may just be me, but sometimes it's hard to not keep glancing over at the next best thing and be jealous, but instead be thankful and trusting.
Or is this whole "next best thing since sliced bread" thing just an illusion? Aren't we all pieces of bread in the same loaf--some of us maybe resembling the end pieces and some the pieces more towards the middle? Ok, enough of the bread analogy, I know...
I suppose in reality, my time shouldn't be spent focusing all that much on the bread anyway--or even the next best thing since sliced bread, but rather the Maker of it all. Because not only did He Make my bread, but He bought it. And He bought it in such a way, and at such a price, that whether I'm the end piece or the middle piece, or whether I measure up to the next best thing or not, I am His and my purpose and priviledge and preoccupation is to give Him glory, not seek it, or whatever else for that matter, for myself. Mind you, He delights to let me be a unique piece of bread, but ultimately it is about Him and not me. And wow, HE bought ME...can I not be completely satisfied with that in the present even if no one else ever comes along to take me off the shelf? In light of who HE is, I suppose it really just shouldn't even matter.
Ok...does ANY of that make sense? I promise my intention was not to take the bread analogy quite so far, but I actually think it helped me process what I was really after in a round about sort of way. Thoughts?
Friday, August 29, 2008
LT Blog
Hey girlies,
Just FYI, I started a blog too! Check me out at shadycakes.blogspot.com.
Love ya'll!
Just FYI, I started a blog too! Check me out at shadycakes.blogspot.com.
Love ya'll!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The Other Boyfriend
So..I’m juggling two relationships right now. Shhh..don’t tell.
It’s tiring, exhausting, extremely time consuming…but worth it.
One is a fairly new development. But the “other”, well..we’ve been off and on again for the past 10 years. Wow, we’ve been together quite a long time. And at the end of October we will embark on a journey that we’ve been anticipating a long time now. Yup, I’m finally ready to take the plunge. I think after 10 years of knowing each other it’s about time. But I didn’t realize that there was so much planning involved.
These two know about each other, but they don’t really like to spend time with one another. Well, actually, the one is over 5 hrs away now, so I can keep the other to myself. I’m giving them their distance, and let’s be honest, “R” and I have a special relationship and I really need to nurture it alone.
A friend at work is well aware of my exploits. She told me that I’m going to run myself ragged…”you need to cut back”. But how can I? R and I are in this for the long haul. I can remember being 16 and making this commitment that once we entered into this relationship it would be full speed ahead until our special day. I didn’t realize that the preparation would be so grueling. But I’m addicted. "He" is good to me. R helps me to realize my potentials, helps me think clearly, lets me be me, and accepts me for who I am, yet still challenges me to stride forward. Plus “he” requires no pizzaz from me; in fact, we work best when I’m in exercise clothes and sweat. That’s just how we like it.
So onward I go; spending daily time with one as the other is just a phone call away.
It’s tiring, exhausting, extremely time consuming…but worth it.
One is a fairly new development. But the “other”, well..we’ve been off and on again for the past 10 years. Wow, we’ve been together quite a long time. And at the end of October we will embark on a journey that we’ve been anticipating a long time now. Yup, I’m finally ready to take the plunge. I think after 10 years of knowing each other it’s about time. But I didn’t realize that there was so much planning involved.
These two know about each other, but they don’t really like to spend time with one another. Well, actually, the one is over 5 hrs away now, so I can keep the other to myself. I’m giving them their distance, and let’s be honest, “R” and I have a special relationship and I really need to nurture it alone.
A friend at work is well aware of my exploits. She told me that I’m going to run myself ragged…”you need to cut back”. But how can I? R and I are in this for the long haul. I can remember being 16 and making this commitment that once we entered into this relationship it would be full speed ahead until our special day. I didn’t realize that the preparation would be so grueling. But I’m addicted. "He" is good to me. R helps me to realize my potentials, helps me think clearly, lets me be me, and accepts me for who I am, yet still challenges me to stride forward. Plus “he” requires no pizzaz from me; in fact, we work best when I’m in exercise clothes and sweat. That’s just how we like it.
So onward I go; spending daily time with one as the other is just a phone call away.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Tis the season...
...to wait.
Why is waiting so hard? I read today in Exodus 16 about the Israelites who had to wait in the wilderness for 40 years before God brought them into the land that he promised. In the waiting they started to grumble. And in the midst of the grumbling, they found themselves wishing they were back in Egypt...back in slavery! They said, "Would that we had died by the Lord's hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger." (Ex 16:3)
Initially I want to be like, "Really? Really Israel? You would rather be "fat and happy," and an enslaved people than be a little hungry and totally set free by the Lord? Sure, the wilderness probably isn't like living it up at the Ritz, but isn't it better than working 80 hours a week carting bricks back and forth for Pharoah? I mean, dont the trees in the wildnerness provide a little bit of shade?" But then I read between the lines and see myself smack in the middle of that story. Flat in the middle of a wilderness of sorts, where the only thing that feels abundant are unmet expectations and the growlings of an empty belly. And oh does this tummy like to growl.
Mind you, perhaps my appetite, like theirs, still hungers after the things I've tasted in Egypt and needs time to hunger for Manna (the original "frosted flakes" as I heard preached this past Sunday), but how is it that I, that they, that we would so quickly forsake freedom and the One who has set us free to lament the loss of our slavery? What is that quote by CS Lewis that talks about our desires being too weak? That we are far too easily pleased and that we find ourselves content to make mudpies when a holiday at the sea is offered to us. Why do I confuse the mud with the sea? I'm sure I'd like the feeling, the reality, of water swishing in between my toes much better than the nasty, old mud. bleh.
So here's what this tum's growling these days: "Lord, what about a house to live in that's awesome? What about my million dollar mate? What about a job that I could love? What about freedom from this thorn and that? Would that I had these things..." Would that I had these things I doubt that I would feel full and yet I struggle greatly to not believe the opposite. As much as I feel convinced sometimes that all these things would make me much happier, I imagine that the Lord sees fit for me to develop more a taste for Manna, for what is better, for what is true freedom.
So I guess to Israel I say, "I hear ya peeps," but to the Lord I say, "Thank you for bearing with us so long and please help me to be willing. I know these things wont give me what I'm looking for, but its easy to forget, especially when this stomach starts growling so. Help me long for what is better."
Amen.
love ya'll.
Why is waiting so hard? I read today in Exodus 16 about the Israelites who had to wait in the wilderness for 40 years before God brought them into the land that he promised. In the waiting they started to grumble. And in the midst of the grumbling, they found themselves wishing they were back in Egypt...back in slavery! They said, "Would that we had died by the Lord's hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger." (Ex 16:3)
Initially I want to be like, "Really? Really Israel? You would rather be "fat and happy," and an enslaved people than be a little hungry and totally set free by the Lord? Sure, the wilderness probably isn't like living it up at the Ritz, but isn't it better than working 80 hours a week carting bricks back and forth for Pharoah? I mean, dont the trees in the wildnerness provide a little bit of shade?" But then I read between the lines and see myself smack in the middle of that story. Flat in the middle of a wilderness of sorts, where the only thing that feels abundant are unmet expectations and the growlings of an empty belly. And oh does this tummy like to growl.
Mind you, perhaps my appetite, like theirs, still hungers after the things I've tasted in Egypt and needs time to hunger for Manna (the original "frosted flakes" as I heard preached this past Sunday), but how is it that I, that they, that we would so quickly forsake freedom and the One who has set us free to lament the loss of our slavery? What is that quote by CS Lewis that talks about our desires being too weak? That we are far too easily pleased and that we find ourselves content to make mudpies when a holiday at the sea is offered to us. Why do I confuse the mud with the sea? I'm sure I'd like the feeling, the reality, of water swishing in between my toes much better than the nasty, old mud. bleh.
So here's what this tum's growling these days: "Lord, what about a house to live in that's awesome? What about my million dollar mate? What about a job that I could love? What about freedom from this thorn and that? Would that I had these things..." Would that I had these things I doubt that I would feel full and yet I struggle greatly to not believe the opposite. As much as I feel convinced sometimes that all these things would make me much happier, I imagine that the Lord sees fit for me to develop more a taste for Manna, for what is better, for what is true freedom.
So I guess to Israel I say, "I hear ya peeps," but to the Lord I say, "Thank you for bearing with us so long and please help me to be willing. I know these things wont give me what I'm looking for, but its easy to forget, especially when this stomach starts growling so. Help me long for what is better."
Amen.
love ya'll.
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