Resting

This is officially the first blog entry I have ever written! I have been meaning to make a Paco blog to update people, but it’s just something that I have not gotten around to…that and about a million other things.

The past couple months have really been a stretching time for me. Sometimes, I think, it’s easy to look back and even presently and know a theme or concept that the Lord is teaching me. Lately that has been to rest in Him. I know and am confident that our Father does not ever give us more than we can handle, but sometimes its not always easy to see that. And sometimes the hardest thing to do is rest in Him and the promises He gives us.

One way I’m learning to rest in Him is with Paco. Who, by the way….is a BOY! (Sidebar…I guess Andrew’s grandmother was right, when she told me I looked like I was having a boy because my behind was getting bigger…drat!) Anyway…during our 2nd trimester the doctors gave us the option of taking a blood test that checks for the possibility of any chromosome disorders. Ang and I talked a lot about it and decided that we would take it. His Aunt had Down Syndrome and like two completely un-scientific people, we thought we had a higher chance of having a child with Downs (umm…apparently only one type is actually genetic.) I really don’t believe we took the test out of fear. We both loved Marg and really once you know and love someone with Downs, you really start to respect them and love the joy they see in life. I really believe we just wanted to be prepared.

Shortly after our Mountain trip reunion, we got a phone call to come to the doctors that day because we had tested positive for Trisomy 18 – a different chromosome disorder. After doing some research, we learned that babies with Tri 18 usually don’t live past their first birthday. We were absolutely crushed. From that point on, we had ultrasound after ultrasound and visited genetic specialists and heart specialists. Throughout the process we would hear positive things based on the ultrasounds, but it just was unbelievable and heartbreaking to me how most of the doctors viewed life. They gave us the option of having an amniocentesis - where they test the amniotic fluid to know for sure the chromosomes present – and urged us to have it done by week 24 in time for a legal abortion if the results weren’t positive. We didn’t have an amnio done - it was really disheartening to have to explain to so many doctors that even if Paco has this horrible disorder, we were not going to have an abortion. We prayed a lot for peace and the good news we received since then has been affirming. According to the doctors we won’t know for 100% sure if Paco has Tri 18 until he is born, but somehow, we have been able to hold onto the fact that the Lord is good, so good, and has incredible plans for Paco. (Hopefully, those plans include helping us think of an actual name for the poor boy!)

Another way in which I’m learning to let the Lord carry me is through my dog’s recent illness. My 13-year-old dog Dixie was diagnosed a couple months ago with a brain tumor. It has been so hard to see her go downhill so fast. Its hard to put into words how much this dog means to me – she was my birthday present in 7th grade and was such a source of joy and peace. Although I have wonderful parents, my home life was not a breeze in middle and high school. My brother was a drug addict, and potentially still is – I don’t really know much about his life right now because he wishes to have nothing to do with us. It sounds funny to say, but through those times, it was such a blessing to have a friend who was always there, not judging, but just a companion. I’m grateful I’ve had these last couple months to really grieve and say goodbye to her but I’m learning I don’t really know how to do that. I can’t imagine her not being in my life, but I don’t ever want to see her hurting. Lately, I’ve been a basket case of emotions, just trying to take care of her and love on her. We have an appointment tomorrow with her vet specialist and I’m terrified about having to make a hard decision. For some reason, this has been a much harder lesson in learning how to rest in Jesus when life is hard. I know only Jesus can hold my heart and make it whole and I believe He will do just that in His timing.

I’m so sorry this has been so long. I guess people are right when they saying blogging is a good way to get some things out. You girls are wonderful and I have so enjoyed reading your posts! Thanks for letting me share my heart and for sharing yours also! Much love, florence